A Love Stronger Death

You will never understand what death is until someone really dear to you enters it. One can go to so many wakes and funerals yet still not understand what death means. I never did until Beth Melchor passed away last June 26, 2018… And admittedly, even up to now I still have not fully understood it.

I knew Beth’s death was already imminent. She had been battling cancer for quite some time and we somehow knew that the end of her life was near. When she finally died, I was numb first. I went to my “auto-pilot” mode and did what I had to do in making sure that we get to celebrate Beth’s life well during her wake and funeral. That was what she wanted.

I had the privilege to be one of those who knew Beth’s wishes for her wake and funeral. I also got to ask her what dress she’d like to wear and other details for the wake. It was surreal to talk about these things. She already had a list of songs, which someone else took care of, and people whom she would like to do her eulogy. However, what struck me is that she wanted to communicate to people during her wake to focus on celebrating her life instead. She wanted to have yellow flowers, specifically sunflowers and chrysanthemums to be the dominant flowers in her wake. Those flowers became a reminder of joy: Beth has finally entered the joy of her Beloved.

For some, her wake nights were like recollections. There was an atmosphere of joy and gratitude. People from different parts of Beth’s life came and visited. We learnt more about Beth as we listened to each eulogy.

I would stay on for the entire night. I took it upon myself to be there for her and not leave her earthly body alone. In the wee hours of the morning, I would stack up some chairs, sit beside her coffin, and gaze upon her. She looked very peaceful and happy. I have never seen a face so tranquil inside a coffin. She looked saintly. I told myself, indeed, her battle has been won, death has been conquered victoriously. Her death showed me that death outside the love of God is a defeat. However, a death in the context of God’s love becomes a triumphal entry to the heavenly kingdom of God.

Yes, after more than month, I still grieve about her death. I have accepted her death because I know she has already received that which she longed for – I knew she wanted to go Home, she was more than ready to go Home. I was called to be with her in the hospital on her last admission. That morning, several options were being presented to her on how to proceed after her two failed operations. As it was being explained to her, she just kept saying, “I just wanna go home. I am ready.” Knowing Beth, I knew she was not only referring to her home in Wack-wack but to her home with the Father in Heaven, her True Home. It was that time that I shed my first tears for her about her health status; I thought I still have some years to be with her but it was apparent that morning that the timeline has already been cut very short.

However, in the first weeks after her death, I questioned myself on why I grieve so much. What was my right to do so? Why was it so heavy to even think that she’s no longer around? But then I realized that to question that is also to question my love for Beth and her love for me. Everyone goes through grief in many levels. One sister told me, “Jhols, never doubt Beth’s love for you.” We were both not expressive to one another about how much we value each other. But I know we do. I know how she spoke about me. I’ve seen her beamed up with pride when I am able to accomplish something really good. She had been proud of me. I don’t know what she had seen me but one thing for sure, I really cannot doubt Beth’s love for me. Living with her for more than a decade, she had seen all my quirks and imperfections and yet, she loved me just the same. The privilege she had given me to accompany her almost everyday on the last days of her life was both our expression of love for one another.

People look at Beth in many ways – a mentor, a sister, a friend, a teacher, a leader, a holy woman, a saint. But more than any of these labels, I look at Beth as someone who loves me and who has always been proud of me. She had been like a mother and like a real older “blood” sister to me. She had so much influenced my life and the direction it took; her words became a guiding light as I slowly searched the path of God’s will for my life.

I know that she continuously looks after me now and I believe she intercedes to Our Beloved on my behalf. So, I know her love for me did not stop on the day she breathed her last breath but rather, she continues to love me up to now. I continue to love her, too. And thus I realized, that love can last truly forever and it is possible to have a love stronger than death. You don’t stop loving people just because they have already died. You continue to honor their memory, you continue to love them.

I have accepted the fact that though I have already embraced her death, I still miss her so much. I grieve because I have loved her deeply; I have allowed a part of her to become a part of me. So, I realized that a part of you dies when someone you love dies yet at the same time a part of them continues to live in you. As someone dear to you ends their earthly life, you and your loved one both died and lived on.